Confessions

During a particularly bad bout of insomnia last night, I was thinking about some of my biggest fears. I’m known to be a worrywart and expect the worst case in almost every scenario. Like I won’t talk on my iPhone when I’m walking to my car after work  — party because I want to be aware of my surroundings, but also because I’m afraid someone will steal it right out of my hand.

I’m about to get real personal on this blog with a list of some of the things that scare me the most like:

  • Not being able to get pregnant – It’s not that I’ve ever even tried, but I’ve always had a feeling that it might not happen.
  • Losing my vision – I got LASIK two years ago and almost every morning I wake up fearful that my vision is blurry again.
  • Rape – Isn’t this on every woman’s list?
  • White vans – *see rape.

I should probably get some sleep meds huh? Now tell me I’m not alone in this you guys. What are some of your biggest fears?

And to avert the anxiety I just gave you, here are some joyful pictures to remind us that life is pleasant!

 

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28 thoughts on “Confessions

  1. Milla says:

    Take a deep breath and chill out! I suffered from insomnia for 2 years and it was hell. I didn’t understand why but it was because things were wrong in my life. I adjusted a lot and the insomnia ceased. Now, whenever something is troubling me and before I even know what it is, the insomnia returns. Yoga and eating the right food help but I advise you to stay away from medication. When I lived in the US, I took an over-the-counter pill once (which is so strong that it’s not sold here in the UK) and I woke up almost 48 hours later!!! Moreover, I didn’t recover from that for about a week.

    When I was 17, I had a part-time job and I remember my 38 year old colleague saying “you spend half of your adult life trying not to get pregnant and the other half desperately trying for baby”. I didn’t get. I was too young. Now, here I am: getting older, getting divorced and still wanting a family. I 100% understand your pregnancy fear.

    As women, I think we all share a lot of the same fears. Right now though, my biggest fear is losing the people I love. My step-father unexpectedly passed away in August and last week my great-aunt died. It’s so final and so out of our hands.

    Thank you for sharing this post. My favourite ones are always honest and real.

  2. I HATE WHITE VANS TOO!!! I consciously try to avoid walking by white vans that are parked on sidewalks or parking near vans in parking lots. SO paranoid!

  3. judithatwood says:

    My fear is of the day when I am no longer here to wake and appreciate this amazing Earth.

  4. Rosie says:

    Sabra THANK YOU for sharing your fears,you have no idea how incredibly comforting it is to know that being afraid and vulnerable is completely ok.

    My biggest fear is relapsing. I suffered from an eating disorder for 3 years, I plummeted down to 85 lbs and that’s a place I never ever want to be again. The toughts that I’m not skinny enough live in my head every single day but I’ve learned to control them. I live in fear that one day I’ll relapse. I’m just thankful that I’m in a healthy mindset right now.

  5. I like your real like confessions on your very own blog… and I must admit we share very similar fears in life…. I’m sure most women do… but when lack of sleep is involved it really does mess with our minds in weird ways! I never thought of the cell thing… until you brought it up and now I’ll never talk and walk at the same time, EVER! The pregnancy thing scares me too love, and I’ll be honest, we’ve been trying for awhile…. but luckily between all of the wonderful meds and procedures out there, it can happen! Keep your chin up and try not to let these worries get you down… your too pretty and spunky for a heart ache! xo

  6. Belen Otero says:

    I have so many fears S. My anxiety literally takes over my life on a daily basis. But we just have to learn how to turn it off (I for one, have not learned yet how to do so). But worrying really gets us know where. I always just snuggle up next to the pups and it helps😉.
    I also have a fear about Losing my vision because of Lasik.
    The absolute worst feeling!

  7. Julip Made says:

    You are definitely not alone with a lot of these fears. I feel like rape, attack, assault are common fears for women in our age range let alone all women… sad, but unfortunately true. I also don’t think it is silly that you don’t talk on your phone when walking to your car. That is just being smart and as you said, aware of your surroundings. I walk around with Odin at night saying “What’s that” so he puffs up his chest and looks alert and scarry.. poor kid probably has a complex now.

    Thanks for sharing such an honest post!

  8. Oh all you wonderful supportive women! Listen, I’ll tell you now, we had a really hard time staying pregnant (3 miscarriages) and almost every single one of my friends has had trouble getting pregnant. But we ALL have kids now. There are soooo many steps between trying yourself and no kids ever. Check that one off your list because it’s so unlikely!
    But Elizabeth is so right, you have such a great life now, and it will only get better!
    My fears: drowning, getting in some kind of accident with my daughter because I wasn’t paying enough attention, and pretty much any kind of failure…hence I do too much, all the time. Not good!

  9. I worry about everything and I hate it. I used to worry about your #1 all the time and then I prego on the first try with both boys. WTF?! i highly recommend some ambien. xo

  10. designstiles says:

    I can’t believe I’m admitting this so openly, but TH and I both fear death. We think about it all too often that even our therapist said it’s not normal. Before my trip I gave my sister passwords to my blog and Twitter in case she needed to share any bad news. I think that’s why I’m scared to have kids. I fear that I may die when they’re young and then some evil bitch will come in and screw up the rest of their lives.

    And then I worry that if I do have kids, something tragic will happen to them and I won’t be able to get over it and then screw up the rest of my life. I basically worry about all the whatifs. I think I’ve had it pretty good my whole life and I worry that something terrible is lurking in the corner.

    I also have an irrational fear of knives and the thought of getting stuck in an elevator gives me anxiety.

  11. Aubrey says:

    I was sitting here just nodding my head “yes” to this whole list…scares the bejeebers outta me!!! Also something happening to one of my children…that one keeps me up at night. On a happy note, none of that has actually happened and I have a garden and a respectable library. Life is good (c:

  12. Oh girl – you are not alone! #1 is a HUGE fear of mine too – I fixate on it and make my hubby nuts. I’m not sure why I worry about it so much, but I do! I’m also always so worried about family and friends dying. I think about it a little too much. Thanks for being brave enough to put these out in the open. xo

  13. You are most definitely not lonely in the worry category. I also share your #1 (even though we haven’t tried, probably won’t for 5 more years) 3 and 4. White vans, I’m always looking over my shoulder, I’m scared to take bella out when it is really late at night. Kidnapping is a huge fear. When I was growing up, a girl from my ballet school was kidnapped and murdered in our crime less town, by a man who was just let out of jail for child abuse charges. Her parents set up a non-profit to prevent, find, and search for children. The organization has been helping search and recover children for 14 years now. My mom is a volunteer and it is a charity my family supports. Its heartbreaking, but they have saved so many lives now. check out http://www.lrcf.org/
    sorry for the tangent, but just want you to know you are not alone. I can go through my laundry list of fears, but I’ll save you from the novel, just know you are not alone! A glass of vino always helps at night. 🙂
    all my love and hugs to you!

  14. I love each and every one of you for making me feel normal. Seriously. Love.

  15. LMF says:

    Definitely your #1. It scares me to the core. Which, I think, could actually make it come true when the times comes to start trying if I’m really stressed out and anxious about it.

    I have a really strange fear about someone being in my backseat when I get into my car. And me not knowing and driving around until they jump out and attack. I have the same weird fear about my house too. That someone’s going to jump out when I think I’m alone. If I read too many suspense novels, I can scare myself into not sleeping.

    The things that really scare me are the ones that are inevitably going to come true, like my parents passing away. I know most likely they’ll pass before I do, and it will be devastating.

    You’re definitely not alone! I think the trick is to balance it out with positive thoughts (and joyful pictures!) and enjoy all the good things in life. It’s pretty amazing really.

  16. I feel like I live in a constant state of worry. Generally it revolves around my business and making enough money so that my father doesn’t have to work until the day he dies.

    But personal stuff to for sure. Never getting married and having kids is a biggie. And the weird thing is: when I’m happiest, I tend to worry the most. LIke OOH things are so good right now, something is bad to happen. Really trying to change that attitude because I think if you think that way you WILL bring on bad things.

    le sigh. You aren’t alone. That’s comforting, right?

  17. Neda says:

    I have some of the same fears as everyone else- death, tragedy, failing at something I want real bad, etc. I do know that most of my anxieties come out at night- either while I’m trying to fall asleep or if I wake up in the middle of the night. So, my solution is to have a happy book next to the bed or watch tv or something, anything to avoid the “attack of the fears!!!!”🙂 xx

  18. elizabeth says:

    Oh, Sabz! I think the better someone’s life is, the more they worry. Because they have more to lose. You are young, healthy and beautiful with a great job and man. I hope you don’t lose sleep over much! Here are my huge life worries:

    1. Never being in love again with someone who is in love with me
    2. See #1 so being forced to have a kid on my own cuz I want one then never meeting anyone because I am a single mom
    3. Losing my mom – anytime. Even to old age.
    4. Not being able to find a job after the inevitable end of whichever one I have.
    5. Growing old and dying. I never want to leave life!

    I think everyone was so brave on here to list their fears – makes us feel better to know we all worry.Love you, Sabbie!
    -e (modern24seven)

  19. You know what? I have the same fears. Well the not talking on the phone at night when I’m alone, the rape, and the vision thing. Ah I’ll just look at the pretty photos and forget about it all🙂 xoxo

  20. molliee says:

    I too worry about rape and walking by vans and being attacked in a parking lot! My biggest fear would have to be dying and the unknown… it sounds utterly depressing but sometimes I sit at night wondering what it will be like! ahhh ok I need to go look at those fun pics again! Thanks for being open with us! xoxo

  21. For the most part I’m pretty fearless (I am the Design Daredevil after all!) but lately I have been suffering from insane amounts of anxiety. Almost paralyzing amounts. I used to work in real estate and I was very financially successful. By the time I was 25 I owned my own home, bought a BMW SUV, traveled, shopped at Saks, blah blah blah…. When the market crashed myself and all of my colleagues were very, very humbled. I since have lost my home and am constantly money stressin. It’s not that much of an issue in my life, but I recently started to date someone and we are getting really serious. He is the PERFECT guy for me and he is crazy for me. Everything would be great, but I am TERRIFIED to tell him how broke I am and that my credit isn’t what it used to be. I’m scared of the humiliation, as I am very prideful and stubborn, and I’m scared that it will be a deal breaker for him. The stress and anxiety is enough for me to run away from the relationship and then that makes me scared that I will never be with anyone seriously.

    Hang in there girl! I won’t let anyone take your phone from you!!!!!

  22. Jaclyn says:

    I love your blog! I, too, am a lonely wife. I live in NYC and my husband graduated biz school last year but now is living the life of a banker (which means a lonely wife). I haven’t commented yet but felt I had to today because just recently I have been up at night with the same anxiety. I am no where near of wanting a child, but I find myself getting worried that I won’t ever be able to get pregnant. And I think about it all the time now. I’m chalking it up to a shift in hormones — that my body is now prepared to have a baby and that is why I’m so concerned. Oh, I’m also afraid that I will get stuck in an elevator on my way to the 46th floor. eek.😉

  23. Gabriela says:

    Your cell phone fear is hilarious because I actually talk on my phone when I’m alone but still paying attention to my surroundings so that if I am attacked, at least whoever is on the other line will know something happened to me! Or, I think, maybe I will have enough time to give a description of my assailant to whoever is on the other end….?? Or, I just pretend to be on my phone because I think it makes perps less likely to attack if they think someone else might know where I am and they could be traced to the spot or whatever. This is also similar to when I would order pizza for me and my 5 siblings when we were home alone while my mom was at work and before answering the door, I’d say, “I’ll get it, Dad!” (We didn’t even have a dad living with us, but it made me feel better if the pizza guy didn’t think we were 6 helpless kids all alone.)

    My other fears in no particular order:

    Burning to death
    Becoming horribly disfigured (SO shallow and superficial, I know.)
    Losing any of my family members
    Not being able to get pregnant
    Not having someone to grow old with
    Anything that has to do with demons or hell (never seen Exorcist or any film about exorcism for this reason)
    Contracting a flesh-eating bacteria disease

  24. MFS says:

    I’m glad you posted this because I have the same fears! Reading the first comment makes me think this is probably quite common in women. It’s true, you spend so much time avoiding pregnancy and what if it’s something that can’t happen? I wish there was a way to find out if there are any issues before you start trying. And as for the rape part, I always also worry about walking alone at night (walking the dog or something) or my house getting broken into. Perhaps too much Law & Order SVU episodes…

  25. Christine B. says:

    Fellow worrywart here. The cell phone one made me giggle because I do the same thing. I usually put it in my pocket in the event that someone nabs my bag – that way I’ll still have the phone to call 911 (way too thought out huh?). I also share your other fears, especially the inability to become pregnant. There’s a weird part of me that thinks I’ve spent so much time avoiding pregnancy, that when I decide I want it, I’ll have missed my chance. So long story short, you’re not alone!🙂 Thanks for sharing so candidly.

  26. iris says:

    Oh I am so with you. My anxiety and fears are pretty bad too. I share exactly the ones you wrote about plus home invasion, cancer, paralysis, death of loved one, home fire, getting preg but losing baby or having a sick baby….oh man i can go on and on lol. AND funny/sad part is, I’m a psychotherapist lol. As awful as this may sound, glad I’m not the only one🙂. xx

    • Porsche says:

      I absolutely love your blog Sabra!!! I can always relate to your post. I too am a major worrywart. I fear having my house broken into while I’m sleeping (my dog is a scaredy cat too lol), getting raped, not being able to get pregnant/ having a miscarriage, and something terrible happening to my loved ones. Thank you for being so honest with us. You are definitely not alone.

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